The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
