I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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