Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Randomize
