so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
false alarm. still invincible.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
