my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Randomize
