You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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