I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
