I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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