Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
