i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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