This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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