my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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