dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
