Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
We have started to decorate penises.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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