I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
