i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
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