So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
