now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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