when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Randomize
