we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
