I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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