FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Randomize
