everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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