so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
