there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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