I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
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