like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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