im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
