Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I got inside last night via doggy door
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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