Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
