It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
