how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
