woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
