Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Soap is not a condiment
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Randomize
