btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
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