these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Randomize
