Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Randomize
