I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Randomize
