she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
