Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I intend to get homeless drunk
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
