New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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