k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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