I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Randomize
