I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
