I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
