before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
