so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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