some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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