I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
