can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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